13 Ways to Ruin Your Life, the FREE book from Jarrod Jones

This is the fourth blog within the last couple of hours or so that I’ve written in regards to TODAY’S Matt Lauer’s interview this morning with former New York State’s Attorney General, Eliot Spitzer, about his sexual affair and exposure with a high-priced call girl. See the previous three blogs for more info.  Actually, I’d like you to read those before you read this blog if you have the time.

One last word in regards to this little series based off the Lauer and Spitzer interview:

Forgiveness.  As a Christ follower, we understand the word as “Grace.”

Here is what Spitzer said in regards to his family’s response since he was exposed: ‘I’m a very fortunate guy…. I have a spectacular wife, three daughters who are wonderful. I’ve been forgiven. There are moments when you realize those are the things that matter.’

In terms of his family relationships he found grace. I pray for those who are exposed in sexual sin can be granted the same such grace by their family. I’ll deal with this more in a moment.

But here’s the key note:  We have a spectacular Savior. In Him—Jesus—we find grace, forgiveness, and restoration.  He, above all else, is what and whom truly matters.  In Him you are not hopeless and helpless in sexual sin. And you are not a pervert for crying out loud.  You are not beyond grace.  The grace of God has no end in Christ.  To know this, believe this, empowers you to conquer sexual sin.

For example, one of the motto’s of my life is the following: “I don’t have to obey to be accepted and loved by God. But because I am radically accepted and loved by God in Christ I want to obey Him.”  That’s what grace is and does.

Do you believe it? Will you slow down, retreat, pause, reflect, and meditate on it.  You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to impress God with how long you can go without looking at porn. He’s actually not impressed. He’s impressed when you have faith in what He’s done for you and who you are in Him.  He’s delighted when out of His grace, by faith, you live it out in obedience—fleeing sexual sin.

I’m hoping I’ve made sense. I deal with this more at length in 13 Ways.

For those whose husband, father, mother, wife has been in sexual sin and confessed and repented of that sin…. here’s my encouragement: If Eliot Spitzer’s family grants grace, without any mention of our Savior, how much more should we as Christ followers then, who have experienced God’s grace, grant grace to our loved one who is seeking forgiveness and help for his or her sexual sin?

In other words, can you forgive? Not just forgive with words, but with attitude, perseverance, commitment, joy?  And I don’t mean forgetting the sin and trauma it brought you and your family. Healing will need to happen. Biblical Christian counseling will need to be sought.  Trust will need to be re-established. Relational joy will need to be cultivated. But isn’t it worth the work for the sake of your marriage and family? And what a testimony it would be to Christ!

Spitzer’s last statement nailed it earlier in this blog. He said,  “There are moments when you realize those are the things that matter.” Those things that matter? Forgiveness (Grace in Christ) and Family.

On March 10, 2008, former New York State’s Attorney General, Eliot Spitzer, was exposed as a customer of a high-priced call girl.  She was 22 years old and he paid $4300 a “session.”  $4300! I wonder if he somehow justified a kind of dignity by the exorbitant price and expensive places of encounters. It wasn’t like he was meeting a street hooker in an alley.

I am only speculating.  But it’s worth pondering how we can justify sin in inventive ways. We can always, always, justify sin. But the ones we hurt won’t buy it.

Good questions to ask yourself. “Is this sin or not? Will this behavior hurt my family, offend my colleagues, and break the heart of my God?”  Upon marriage your wife’s body is your body, and your body is your wife’s body. You become one. So whatever part of your body you use outside the love covenant with your wife is in essence using her body to sin. For example, if you’re looking at porn, you are looking at porn with her eyes.

Justifying and rationalizing sin is foolish. But it’s entirely easy to do.  “My wife is not ‘available’ for me.  My husband doesn’t notice me. My work is killing me, I need a break…” and so forth.

Beware of justifying and rationalizing your sexual sin. It could ruin your life.

In Isaiah 6, Isaiah saw an epic vision of God.  His response? “Woe is me, for I am ruined! I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King” (Isaiah 6:5)

He saw God’s greatness and was gloriously ruined.  Upon beholding God his first awareness was his uncleanness.  He was impure.  He spoke of his lips.  So can we.  In terms of porn, one could declare “I am a man of unclean eyes, and I live among a people of unclean eyes.” But that which moves us to such confession and repentance is having a grand vision of God.

In the fleeing and fighting of sexual temptation, we must pray for eyes to see the King, and a brokenness and reverence before Him. Pastor and Author, Gordon MacDonald, publicly admitted to adultery in 1987.  I recently read a quote by him that is fitting. He said, “The most costly sins I have committed came at a time when I briefly suspended my reverence for God.  In such a moment I quietly (and insanely) concluded that God didn’t care and most likely wouldn’t intervene were I to risk the violation of one of His commandments.”

Grab a Bible, or click here, and read Isaiah 6:1-8.  Meditate on the sights and sounds of Isaiah’s encounter. Why did God put Isaiah 6 in your life today? Do you respect and revere Him?  Why or why not?  What must you do, or better yet what must God do in you?  How does having a grand vision of God and reverence for Him empower you to conquer sexual sin?

By the way, note Isaiah 6:6-8 especially.  He’s a great God of grace in the Old Testament too.

1) It sets up UNREALISTIC SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS. You are putting unwarranted and unrealistic sexual expectations on your wife (or future wife).  She is not a porn star.  What if you expect a sexual relationship with her like she is? And she won’t or can’t deliver? Filling your mind with porn can bring you serious disappointment with your wife sexually and cost you your marriage in more ways than one. It will lead to emotional distancing, more porn viewing, and potentially take you to untold heights of other sexual sin that will ruin your relationships, family, career, indeed your very life.

I read a booklet recently that shared how a man would lay porn photos and magazines on the pillow next to his wife so he could look at them while he had sex with her. He fed his mind so much porn that it was poisoned, warped, and calloused to sexual enjoyment with his wife alone.  Porn on a pillow was the only way he could get sexual “fulfillment.” Imagine how cheap and degraded his wife felt?

It doesn’t have to be as extreme as laying porn images on the pillow either. It can come from you gazing at and lusting after a woman at your office, Church, School, and fantasizing about sex with her while making love with your wife or masturbating.  This is sexual sin, degradation of your wife, and a severing of “oneness” with her.

Why do that to yourself then? Why feed your mind with porn and lust only to make fantasy as “normal” and set your marriage or future marriage up for failure?  Stop feeding your mind this poison.  And instead do as Solomon encouraged His son, Rehoboham, to do (And Rehoboam may not have been married at the time either).

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.  Rejoice in the wife of your youth.  She is a loving doe, a graceful deer.  Let her breasts satisfy you always.  May you always be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, with an immoral woman, or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman?

An evil man is held captive by his own sins; they are ropes that catch and hold him. He will die for lack of self-control; he will be lost because of his incredible folly.
Proverbs 5:16-23 (NLT)

Porn is a big deal. It cheapens sexual intimacy and “oneness” that God gifted to his creation between man and wife. Porn is fantasy that displays intself as “normal” and will set you up for major disappointment. It devalues and degrades your wife or future wife. And it only serves to feed animalistic lust and make porn filmmakers millions.

Sexual sin is like ropes that that can hold you captive and put a noose around your neck. Get control man.  Reflect on what porn is doing to you (or will do to you) and how it will affect your marriage. And most of all, repent.

Did an interview a while back with www.wreckedfortheordinary.com. Click here to read the interview at the their site. Or just read below. Hope it informs and encourages you…

An Interview with Jarrod Jones

by Jeff Goins

There are a lot of Christian books about porn, sex, and purity. How is yours different?

My opinion is that most books deal with sexual sin but they don’t confront it. We are blasted at every turn by an immorally sex-crazed culture: Simulated oral sex on Prime Time television; “hooking up” on Reality TV; music videos where a rapper swipes a credit card through a woman’s backside. With that constant barrage of immorality we need a message that fights back with the same intensity. 13 Ways To Ruin Your Life does that. It’s a truth-driven read with a call to repentance. At the same time it doesn’t beat the reader over the head. I share a lot of my personal story, struggles, and experiences. It’s funny in some places and sobering in others. Still, I give a constant call—for the sake of Christ, and for your good. Repent. It’s a “finger in the chest” in some sense, without the yelling and anger. It’s a look in the eye that says, “For the sake of Christ, don’t ruin your life.” You don’t get that kind of balance in a lot of the purity books.

Out of the 13 ways to ruin your life, which do you think is the worst? What’s the #1 way to ruin your life, in your estimation?

That’s a tough one. On a practical scale I would say the Chapter 5 tip, “Take Just One More Look.” How many guys within the battle have done this? I would argue almost all. Me included. Temptation lurks especially when you want a break from life, an escape. Then upon giving in, guilt comes and you think, “What the heck? I’ll never win at this. Why even try?” So another look, and another, and another. Addiction’s fangs are sinking in.

How were you inspired to use the story of the “young man” in Proverbs who is tempted by the prototypical “adulteress” as the basis for a book about pornography and sexual addiction?

My pastor, Harry Walls, mentored me through it over a year ago. I was blown away. It disturbed me. I couldn’t quit thinking about it.

The language of the Proverb is gripping, jolting, blunt, harsh, and unapologetic. It’s King Solomon looking at his son and saying, “See that young man over there seduced by sexual sin? He’s ‘naive’ about what it will cost him.” That word “naive” can be translated as “stupid.” Talk about a finger in the chest! But we need to hear it.

He also says to his son in Proverbs 7:22-23 (my paraphrase), “Take another look. That young man is like an ox going to the slaughter. A bird headed to a trap. A deer caught in a corner with an arrow flying toward its heart. Without a clue it’s going to cost him his life.” The butcher could have raised the ox up from a calf: loving on it; petting it; feeding it. Then one day the butcher destroyed it. The bird could have played around the trap. One day it got him. The deer could have thought all was well and fed on the bait. Then, bam, the arrow strikes. And he didn’t see it coming. This is what sexual sin is and does. It’s deceiving by it’s availability. It’s deadly because it’s a feel-good escape. The Proverb brings that to life. It’s just so real, relevant, and disturbing.

For those who have “ruined” their lives through premarital sex, pornography, or other compulsive sexual behavior, what kind of hope is available to them?

Hope. That’s the glory of Jesus. There’s a guy who after reading my book went online and confessed to the online community about his struggle with pornography. His letter was heartbreaking. You could hear the repentance, regret, and fear in his words. He gave everyone permission to think he was “gross” and to abandon him. However, he received the opposite. People, friends and acquaintances poured in their love and support for him. They assured him of their love. I’m sure he still has to deal with some fallout over the sin, personally and relationally. That’s just life and consequences of sin. But the love that overwhelmed him is proof of the love, forgiveness, and peace of Jesus. Let the debris fall where it must, and cling to Jesus.

Is there a particular story of a person ruining his/her life through sexual addiction that has really stuck with you? What are some of the most powerful examples of purity and impurity that you’ve heard or witnessed?

I have a female friend and also a female family member who went through horrible divorces because their husbands were addicted to porn. What’s sad is that their husbands never saw a problem with it and enjoyed their sin. Yet these men destroyed the dignity and value of their wives and fractured the trust of their children.

Also, I hear stories about pastors, youth pastors, and worship leaders falling to sexual sin. Most are caught in adultery; others have their porn addiction go public. The fallout from this is devastating. They were platform people who have been followed, revered, respected, and trusted, and they destroyed their ministry. And they confused and hurt people deeply. People shouldn’t put these ministers on a pedestal, I agree, but it’s simply tough not to do that.

Powerful example of purity: A guy who doesn’t just want to be a “nice Christian,” but a Godly man. He wants to protect girls from himself. A guy who loves Jesus more than anyone and anything so that he might love and respect a lady the way she deserves—as a daughter of God. Girls are dying for these kinds of guys. I hear it all the time. “Where is he?!” they’ll beg. And I meet guys who feel the same about the ladies.

How do you balance the biblical call to personal holiness with the seemingly-inevitable fleshly struggle of sin? Undoubtedly, many young men and woman struggle with personal purity and often feel defeated. How can they overcome that feeling of defeat without delving into legalism or a sin-avoidance gospel? That is, in your own life, Jarrod, how does grace abound?

Christianity is impossible to live. That’s why you hear Jesus say, “Abide in me” (John 15). That’s why Paul says, “In view of God’s mercy” before He says, “offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12). We are constantly pointed to grace, to mercy, and to love. That’s the power. Christian “rah-rah-ing” to “be more pure” is just dumb. We must know that God points to His Son and the cross before He commands us to do anything. And those commands come so that we might know our Creator deeply—all for His glory, and our good.

When I am tempted with my eyes I think, “lust will never satisfy.” That’s my mantra. Jesus is the bread that satisfies the burning hunger. Temptation comes but then conviction comes. The conviction is not, “Jarrod, you better not look! Do you hear me?! Boy, I’m telling you!!!” No, the conviction is the Spirit of Jesus saying, “Jarrod, my son. Look at me. Look at me. I’m better. I alone complete you. I satisfy you. Don’t settle for this lie. Look at my blood pouring down for you on my Cross. For you, Jarrod. So that you would be mine. So that you would be free. So that you would have life.”